Well it's been quite a while since I've blogged about what's been going on and if I've been getting anywhere w/the craziness I call my life! So here's an update, and I'm not sure where we left off since it's been so long all the blogs are gone, so here's a synopse. Joey's been living outside of the house since July 16, 2010 and has never returned home. Until June of this year nothing had changed between us; he still was doing nothing to show or act like he wanted to come home let alone try to fix us. So imagine how thrown I was when in mid to late June he all of a sudden wants to talk and listen to how I feel and have felt and of all things agrees w/what I'm saying for the most part and the rest he said he understood where I was coming from....(wow, what is that all about and why now???). So although I had my reservations and wasn't completely sure it was a smart thing to do, I agreed to try to fix our relationship. We read a book together, "The five languages of love," which was helpful in some aspects but wasn't as helpful as it possibly could of been if both sides were putting in all efforts. So our 4th anniversary was approaching and we decided to celebrate together and go out. We had a nice night but still at this point no "fireworks" had reappeared and shortly after our anniversary the little flicker of hope we seemed to have was slowly and surely being snuffed out by the realization that we really had grown apart and could never truely be happy as a couple or as a family unit. So after 2 weeks of not really seeing each other and him fallling back in to his old routines and habits we sat down and talked and cried and realized that our marriage is over. So now that this part of my life's journey and confusion have come to an end I will now start to truely dig in and get my "house" figuratively and literally cleaned up and sorted out. I WILL get my children in to a routine that they never should of come off of and I WILL get myself in to a routine that I haven't known for a very long time.
Throughout this journey I've been taking I've come to different crossroads. I came to the crossroad where I was being asked out but wasn't ready to even consider dating anyone. The next crossroad I found myself at was being lonely and thinking maybe I should go ahead and say yes and go on the date. Following this was the attempt but the no follow through on the part of the "caller" so I once again decided the time was not right. The next crossroad was actually feeling like I was ready to move on and being cut off that path by trying to save what once was. Now this current crossroad has brought someone from my past back in to my life and although I know everyone's reaction is it's rebound don't do it you'll only get hurt, this person has never left my heart fully and was always the one I thought of over the years and during the extremely rough patches in my life. This realtionship was such a whirlwind of passion and craziness that when it stopped it was not done so w/a closure. This person just kind of disappeared from my life as they had done so many times over the year and a half that we were on again off again and so somewhere in my heart I guess I never let go thinking he'd be back. Now 8 almost 9 years later we've began to chat online first thanks to facebook bringing us back together; (which btw he popped up as a friend suggestion 2 weeks prior to my "husband" and I having our talk), then we exchanged cell numbers and had a texting fest for 4 hours just talking, (this happened after I had already realized we were definitely through but the talk didn't happen until the next night when I actually saw my "husband" again.), and no this conversation had nothing to do w/the end results as I just explained. I truely didn't expect to hear from this person again at least not for a while but 2 nights later I was driving home and got a text which lasted for about 2 hours ending in him coming out and picking me up so we could just hang out and we did just that. We talked and laughed and had those akward moments and we picked and teased about the past, we had some serious conversations about our lives where we've been, who we've been with and what went wrong. We talked about our children, (3 for me and the same 1 for him) and at the end of the time he let me know he would like to get together again. I know for some you're thinking this is too soon your marriage just ended but really my marriage has been ending since before my 1st anniversary and just a reminder he's been truely gone for over a year, so while this might seem rash to some just know I proceed w/caution. This person has seemed to change but we all know some things always stay the same and I am willing to take some time to get to know him again and see if this will be anything more than just a good friend from my past.
This journey now is probably going to be hard for me w/this person b/c I do have residual feelings that have always stayed w/me about him over the years but yet I know from spending some time w/him last night that there's a difference in who he is now but that feelings from the past definitely play a part in to the present. As much as a part of me wanted to just pick up where we left off almost a decade ago the grown-up in me is trying to keep me from jumping in "heart" first and go forward using my mind. I can't tell you how many nights I cried about this man and wondered where he was or what could of been if things would of been different and I tell you now I never thought I'd ever get the chance to possibly figure that out. I am glad that I've been able to ask some questions that I've always wondered about and been able to get an honest response. One thing I learned about myself last night is that I really have matured in the aspect that I can now speak my mind and let my feelings be known w/out hesitating or worrying someone will run from me or never come around again. At this point in my life if you can't be open and honest I will not fret over someone who runs, not again.
So as far as my home life is concerned the children are no where near this person nor do I have plans to introduce at this current time. He knows of my oldest b/c she was, I believe, 4 when we were last "hanging out" so to say and she met him then but would in no way remember him now. As far as the children are concerned they will be getting back on a regular routine so I will no longer want to runaway myself when I am home and I will get in to a routine also so that there's no quams about what I do or don't do. As far as for Joey he will remain in the children's life, he is their father, but he will need to finish getting his place in order and start to take the children to his place for overnight's and visits and be able to feed them and care for them there and in doing so have a place for them to sleep. My oldest will go along w/this b/c she considers him to be her dad since she's never really known hers. And as far as me, well, it's time to shed the lbs from not only my body and get myself to my optimal weight, it's also time to shed the lbs of stress and anger and once again find myself. You know you need to do this when in spending only 6 hours w/someone you haven't seen in almost a decade can just look at you and say you're a very angry person now aren't you?, and say this to you when the whole time you've been w/this person you've smiled and laughed and can not really finger point what it was that allowed this person to pick this up so easily, well it says a lot about where you are and where you think you are and well it told me how much this someone actually did pay attention and know certain things about me.
Well this is where I am and yes I feel like I'm in the midst of a novel that I have no way of knowing how it's going to end but I will say I am enjoying the excitement I've been able to feel and I'm thankful that this person has entered my life once more so that if nothing else some closure can be had!!!
Another blog another day in hopes of even better times!
Signing off for now;
Finding me Again!
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